Amanda

I’m Amanda and I’m 13. I am very confused about my life. Whether it is fine or not, no clue. All this begun when my mom left us, about when I was 4. I remember it all so clearly. The lie she told us as why she was going. The fighting between parents. After she left, I felt like I could never trust anyone again. All my life, I talked to no one. Not even family. I couldn't risk what had already happened to me to happen again.

I have always lived with my dad and older sister. I guess I never thought about why I was so to myself all the time until I was 9 or 10. I visited my mom a couple times before then and just got attached to her. So basiclly I had a big nervous breakdown, yelling at my dad telling him its his fault. I didn’t know the real story at the time.

So I took the depressed road for these couple years and what made it worse? What possibly could make it worse. Step mom. And she made us move. I couldn’t believe it. I cried. I lost everybody after my move. And lost some of the most important people to me. My best friends. Do we talk. Never. Nothing. They have moved on. I cared more than they did. I cried for days. 

I had no friends for my first year at my new school. I was the worst I have ever been. More depressed than ever. And at my school everyone is super thin. All these thinner people than me calling themselves fat really got to me. So I was convinced I was an ugly person. I tried to starve myself one time. So close to puking but wondering why shouldn’t I let myself? Why haven’t I cut or done something to myself? I was nobody. Nobody cared. Nobody talked to me. I was alone. I cried everyday either in the morning or at night. Thinking why am I here? Who is this person I see in the mirror? This… monster. But nobody knew because I still was excluded from everyone. And they were exluded from me.

When I saw Smosh’s video “If Cartoons Were Real”, I died laughing. Discovering Smosh was the best thing I have done in my life. Every video I watched, I got more attached. I just couldn’t get enough of them. They brought the light into my life that I never had before. They saved me. Dear Ian and Anthony, my dream is to meet you and tell you this in person. That YOU saved me. You guys are so incredibly nice, amazing, funny.You bring joy to all of us Smoshers faces. You also led me to meet some amazing smoshers who I consider my family. There is not enough words to say how truly amazing you are. Just.. I love you. I will do anything to see you. You give me something to look forward to during the week. You give me happiness.  Thank you.

So fast forward to today. I have cut. I seem to be getting worse. My dad tells me I do everything wrong and I have insults thrown at me all the time. I plan on moving with my mom soon. But gosh sometimes everything wants me to just end it all. And its a thought that occurs often. But smosh and the smoshers keep me holding on. 

Everyone of you is important. Don’t you ever forget it.

Smosh, I cannot say thank you enough. I just want you guys to know how important you are to us. Especially me. Thank you. So much.

Stay Strong <3

-Amanda